I want to......before its too late?

I want to know how it feels, to call up a friend when i have a secret to tell. I want to know how it feels, to be excited again. I would love to know, how to love. I want to know, how does it feel to be the person that everyone loves and admire. I want to know, when will I ever change and stop keeping myself from so much that i could be doing, all the fun that i could be having. I want to know when will be the day that i wake up and just laugh and cry for no reason just because im happy. I want to know when will i ever stop being so distant from myself and the world at times. I just would love to still be that good girl but just with a little edge that isn't afraid to loosing up and just live life from time to time. I want to laugh again, and stop being so serious. I want to smile again, and not be so serious. I want to smile and show some teeth, without being so self conscious. I want to get up and dance without caring who's watching. I want a guy to approach me, without intimidating him anymore. I want a big team of constriuction workers to come and tear this wall down that i have up, i just want to feel free from myself. I keep stopping myself from living life, do u have any advice??